The Moment of Breaking Down
by Destined Darkness
Summary: Charles's thoughts during the Gun scene outside the Manor and his thoughts during the whole debacle with Shaw on the beach... so yeah... whatever. I don't even know anymore. The feels have affected me too much. Read, don't read, either way. Do something.


*gross, shameless sobbing on the floor* I can't... don't own... I can't.. what? :( Italics is thoughts and crap, the italics in the speech marky things is thoughts from on to another and the italics without marks is Charles thoughts. :P I _might _do another chapter or something which will be just Erik's thoughts... :P Anyway...

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><p>You take a shaky breath in. "You're sure?" you ask, nervous, unwilling. <em>I can't do this.<em>

"I'm sure." Erik nods and gives you a small smile, taking a deep breath in; you close your eyes for a moment.

"Alright." you say holding the gun steady, aimed at Erik's forehead, biting your lip you try to pull the trigger, try to ignore the manic grin spreading across Erik's face. _I can't do this. _Taking a deep breath in and pursing your lips, the gun shakes in your hand and Erik's grinning.

_'I don't have to stop the bullet…'_

You clench your teeth at the thought that is not your own, at the overwhelming suicidal urges that are not your own. _I am not doing this._

"No." you lower the gun, shaking your head. "I can't, I'm sorry. I can't shoot anybody point blank, let alone my friend."

"Oh come on." He says to you, grabbing your arm and holding it up so the barrel of the gun is against his forehead again. "You know I can deflect it." _But you won't. _"You're always telling me I should push myself." He lets go as you pull the gun away again. Anger slightly taking over.

"If you know you can deflect it then you're _not _challenging yourself." Somewhere between 'if you know' and 'yourself' you managed to calm down, a small mercy despite the feelings you have inside, the memory of his feelings. Your thoughts are all scrambled, your heart is pounding far too fast, why did he ask you to help him in his stupid mission for death? You won't help him kill himself. You won't.

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><p><em>'Erik, you're there. You've reached the void.' <em>But you can see that Shaw's not there.

_'Shaw's not here, he's left the sub.' _You know that, you can see through Erik's eyes, that doesn't help you any as you voice your thoughts.

_'What? He's got to be there. He has to be. There's nowhere else he can be, keep looking!' _You don't mean for it to sound so desperate, so forceful but it does and there's no way you can change that now. You can feel how hopeless and angry and broken Erik is as if they were your own feelings. His desperation is your desperation. You're linked now.

_'And I'm telling you, there's no one here, God damn it!' _You can feel the anger radiating from him and it's fuelled by your own. Slowly Erik's turning and then you can't feel him anymore, you can't see what he sees and suddenly you're panicking.

"Erik? Erik? He's gone." You look at Moira, worried, annoyed.

"What?"

"He's gone into the void; I can't communicate with him there!' You say, turning around and heading to another part of the destroyed ship. After agonizing minutes of trying to reconnect with Erik, you feel him.

"He's back!" You shout to Moira, looking out the window. _'Erik, whatever you're doing, keep doing it, it's starting to work.' _You can feel the slightest pain from your back that you couldn't feel before and part of you realizes that it's coming from Erik and that whatever he did to get the signal back must have hurt him somehow. Part of you realizes this, another part realizes at the same time that you don't care. And you understand that that part is Erik's, that whatever has happened to Erik, he doesn't care.

His small cry of pain has you more than a little bit worried but his emotions, the way he doesn't care, it overrides your worry and makes you indifferent.

_'It's working, I'm starting to see him, but I can't yet touch his mind.' _And that's not the biggest issue for you right now, it really isn't. Your main issue is that _Erik _is nearly _crying_, that his mind is screaming all sorts of different things at him and you can hear them all. Your main issue is that Erik's emotions are conflicted and it's tearing him apart, he can't find the balance between them, and you can't find it either.

You can feel the way Erik's exerting himself, how he's breathing heavily, how upset he is. His emotions are in turmoil and so are yours. You feel as though your back is shoved against something and there's a pressure across your chest even though there's not. You freeze and you're struggling to breathe. There's a cut on your face, just above your eye, but there's not. These are Erik's feelings; this is what's happening to Erik.

_'Everything you did made me stronger.' _You're silent, listening, trying so hard to ignore the way you feel like crying because you know that's not your emotion, that's Erik's and that makes things worse. _'Made me the weapon I am today. I-t's the truth.' _You try to just breathe through the fear that suddenly clenches your heart, the fear that you know without a shred of doubt is genuinely yours and not Erik's but breathing is difficult. _'I've known it all along.' _There's an overwhelming hole that forms in your chest but it's Erik's, it's how Erik feels right now and you can't breathe. _'You are my creator.' _Suddenly you can feel Shaw's consciousness. _'Now, Charles!' _You latch onto Shaw's consciousness and you're battling with his thoughts.

"Are you okay?" You struggle to reply.

"Moira, be quiet, I can only control this man for so long.' It hurts you, trying to focus enough energy on fighting and controlling Shaw while at the same time keeping enough energy to reply to Moira, to keep your hold on reality. Suddenly Erik's in your vision, the vision you have from Shaw and you breathe deep.

_'Sorry, Charles.' _You want to scream at him, want to just drop everything but you can't, not now. So you're reduced to begging.

_'Erik, please, be the better man! You have to…' _

_'It's not that I don't trust you.'_

_'Erik, there will be no turning bac-' _and he's gone and through Shaw's eyes you see that Erik's put on the helmet. "No!" you say, wanting to cry, "NO! Don't do this, Erik!" You say banging against the plane, but you know it's useless, know that Erik is not with you anymore; know that he cannot hear you anymore. Through Shaw's vision you can see Erik getting closer; in your heart you're begging him not to do anything but you know it's hopeless.

Erik moves away before turning towards Shaw again and holding up a coin. You can hear every word he's saying and you're crying for him to stop.

"No. _Pl-ease, _Erik, no." You beg, voice thick with emotions. Erik starts counting and the coin starts moving towards Shaw. "_Please, _Erik." You're trying so hard not to cry but your voice keeps breaking and you can't seem to hold onto your emotions anymore. The coin's coming closer, you take deep breaths, trying to stop yourself from crying, trying to prepare yourself for what you know is coming. Suddenly you're screaming, suddenly everything explodes in pain, you can't think, you can't breathe, but you're screaming, so you have to be breathing but you can't be. It's agony, all you know is agony, all you are is agony, your brain has gone numb, you can't feel your body, can't understand what's happening you don't know where Shaw's pain ends and yours begins, don't know where your screams end and Shaw's begin. _I can't… I can't… _You feel light headed and empty, lost, weak. You feel as if you're going to keel over at any moment but you can't… Erik needs you, now more than ever.

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><p>The feels... I can't even... the feels... gah... *runs off to cry in a corner*<p>

R&R


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